نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Mobility due to improved transport and communication

نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Mobility due to improved transport and communication
استاد حامد رفیعی دکتری ادبیات انگلیسی و نویسنده کتاب رایتینگ آیلتس

اشاره:

نمونه ای دیگر از رایتینگ تصحیح شده داوطلب در آزمون آیلتس آکادمیک.

Today, people in many countries can live and work anywhere they choose, because of improved communication technology and transport.

Do the advantages of this phenomenon outweigh its disadvantages?

Nowadays we may not only enjoy our talking or meeting through touching one button on a small screen

whenever we are and wherever we are,but we also may enjoy our travelling with a variety of means of

transport. There is no doubt that the new science and technology are bringing huge changes into our life.

Firstly, for the globalization, the time and distance are no longer barriers to the international trade and

exchange like teleconferencing as a result of improvement of communication means and transport. Secondly,

for education, all kinds of the teaching approaches such as distance learning allow teachers and students to

work more efficiently and effectively. Furthermore, for our daily life, people could live or work at any place

they are willing to, even miles away from their hometown as they could be back home easily by bus,

underground, private car, fairy, flight and so on and stay in touch with their family at any time by the means

of communication equipments.

However, everything has a negative side. While we enjoy the comforting and luxury of our dwelling derived

from the development of science and technology, we have to realize that some damages on human health

and living environment also have been occurred inevitably. As we known, the development of the automobile

industry has been intensified the consumption of the natural resources and the pollution of environment.

Another notable problem is that people are becoming more and more over dependent on using all types of

digital devices. Some researches have shown that these kinds of products would generate the new human

illnesses and would have the negative effect on some abilities of human such problem solving without those

products.

Overall, everything has two sides, positive and negative. Therefore, the advanced science and technology

give us more convenient and more comfortable life; meanwhile it also has the negative fallout. But in my view,

the advantages of this should outweigh its disadvantages because development is the only meaning of the

existence of mankind. The key point should be what we are going to minimize the risks resulted by

development and take all outcome of development into consideration on the ground of concept of

sustainability.

 

 

Corrected Version:

Nowadays we may not only enjoy our talking or meeting through touching one button on a small screen

whenever we are want and wherever we are, but we also may enjoy our travelling with a variety of means

of transport. There is no doubt that the new science and technology are bringing huge changes into our life.
 

(You should try and make the topic a bit clearer in your introduction i.e. being able to ‘live and

work anywhere’).

Firstly, for the regarding globalization, the time and distance are no longer barriers to the international

trade and exchange like teleconferencing as a result of the improvement of communication means and

transport. Secondly, for regarding education, all kinds of the teaching approaches such as distance learning

allow teachers and students to work more efficiently and effectively (It’s not clear how these first two

points you have mentioned – ‘trade’ and ‘education’ – are answering the question. How are

they related to living and working anywhere?). Furthermore, for our daily life, people could live or

work at any place they are willing to, even miles away from their hometown as they could be back home easily

by bus, underground, private car, fairy ferry, flight plane and so on and stay in touch with their family at

any time by the means of communication equipment (And here you have mainly repeated what is in

the question – you haven’t explained what kind of communication – you need more specific

details and examples).

However, everything has a negative side. While we enjoy the comforting and luxury of our dwelling derived

from the development of science and technology (How is an improved dwelling related to living and

working anywhere?), we have to realize that some damages on human health and living

environments also have been have also inevitably occurred inevitably. As we known know, the

development of the automobile industry has been intensified the consumption of the natural resources and

the pollution of the environment. Another notable problem is that people are becoming more and more over

dependent on using all types of digital devices. Some researches have has shown that these kinds of

products would may generate the new human illnesses and would have the negative effects on some

abilities of humans such as problem solving without those products.(Again, here you are being too

vague – what is causing what kind of illnesses? solving what problems and what specifically is

affecting it?)

Overall, everything has two sides, positive and negative. Therefore, the advanced science and

technology give provides us with more convenience and a more comfortable life; meanwhile it also has the

negative fallout.  But in my view, the advantages of this should outweigh its disadvantages because

development is the only meaning of the existence of mankind (again, what do you mean by this?). The

key point should be what we are going to minimize the risks resulted by development and take all outcome of

development into consideration on the ground of concept of sustainability.(And again, I don’t know what

points you are making here)

 

 

 

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