نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Overpopulation

نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Overpopulation
اشاره:

در این قسمت نمونه از رایتینگ یک داوطلب برای شما آورده شده است که به بررسی آن پرداخته ایم. مواردی را که در آن داوطلب به اشتباه نوشته است را نشان داده و سعی کرده ایم با کمک این بتوانیم به شما نکات بسیار مهم در رایتینگ را آموزش دهیم.

Overpopulation of urban areas has led to numerous problems.

Identify one or two serious ones and suggest ways that governments and individuals can tackle these problems.

People from villages and smaller towns are migrating to urban areas in search of employment and better standard of living. As a consequence, urban areas are becoming overpopulated and are facing lot of problems, major ones being (1) shortage of housing space and (2) overcrowding transport system.

With increasing population in urban areas, there is a huge demand for housing in order to accommodate migrated population. We have often seen Government not being able to provide sufficient housing to its people. If I take my own example, I live in New Delhi and had booked an apartment through a private builder three years ago. However, due to shortage in supply of housing units, I have advised by the builder to wait for 3 more years before an apartment can be allotted to me. To tackle this problem, Government can launch large housing societies under public-private model. Government can also formulate lucrative schemes in order to encourage private builders to INVEST in new housing projects. We, as a citizen, can rent unused rooms in our apartments or houses to students or individuals thereby optimizing living space in the city.

Apart from housing shortage, overpopulation in urban areas has also put excessive burden on transport system. As a result, various modes of public transportation are overcrowded and people face lot of inconvenience during their daily commute. I have experienced this problem myself while commuting to work in Delhi Metro every day. Few years ago, I used to find a seat every time I travelled in Delhi Metro but from last one year or so, I hardly manage to get a seat for myself and most often I travel standing in Metro. Government must pitch in and introduce innovative modes of transport which have higher passenger carrying capacity and are fuel efficient. Also, Government must increase fleet size of already exiting modes of transport to ease the pressure on transport system. We, the people, can also help the cause by using our own modes of transportation, at least, while travelling short distances. This will leave the space in public transport for needy passengers.

To conclude, we can say urban areas are facing lot of problems due to overpopulation. However, with joint partnership of Government and people these problems can be tackled to a great extent.

Word Count: 382

 

Content and Organization

I would say that your content and organization are generally fine. You introduce the topic in the introduction, you have clear topic sentences, and it is easy to follow as you write about each problem then go on to the solutions.

Grammar

You have lots of minor grammar errors. They don’t affect the understanding, but they are noticable. Just to take an example from your introduction and the first couple of sentences of your first body paragraph to show you, the corrections are in bold:

People from villages and smaller towns are migrating to urban areas in search of employment and better standardof living. As a consequence, urban areas are becoming overpopulated and are facing a lot of problems, the major ones being a shortage of housing space and overcrowded transport systems.

With increasing populations in urban areas, there is a huge demand for housing in order to accommodate these migrating populations. We have often seen Governmentnot being able to provide sufficient housing to its people.

 

Produces frequent error-free sentences

You are in danger of not meeting this if errors are too frequent.

It looks like you have a problem with articles, plurals and some word form endings (ing/ed) So review these.

Also, I notice your essay is 382 words. This is very long. Did it take 40 mins in total? You will be better off writing less and giving yourself more time to check your grammar.

Thesis

There is a problem with your thesis.

1) You should not put in numbering under any circumstances in a Task 2 essay (or Task 1).

2) This is more of a minor point but you should try to mention in your thesis both of the points that your essay is about i.e problems and solutions.

So your thesis may look like this:

As a consequence, urban areas are becoming overpopulated and are facing a lot of problems, the major ones being a shortage of housing space and overcrowded transport system. However, there are ways to combat these problems.

 

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