نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Youth Crime – Reasons and Solutions

نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Youth Crime – Reasons and Solutions
استاد حامد رفیعی دکتری ادبیات انگلیسی و نویسنده کتاب رایتینگ آیلتس

اشاره:

در این رایتینگ سعی شده است نکاتی را که داوطلب در انجام آن رعایت نکرده به شما آموزش داده شود تا بتوانید به بهترین شکل ممکن از این نکات استفاده کنید.

Levels of youth crime are increasing rapidly in most cities around the world.

What are the reasons for this, and suggest some solutions.

There is no doubt that, almost every good and bad field has developed significantly over the past few

decades and it is too visiable in behaviour and actions of young people. As many people have mentioned that,

in many cities around the globe rates of crime by teenagers are increasing unexpectedly. The goverment as

well as parents are trying to find solution for this international problem. Many people believe that, wisely

chosen punishment is the best way to control the number of crimes in society. While, some of them believe

that, it is not the only way to reduce the level of crime. They think that, there must be another way.

First of all, no one can deny that, according to the recent figures, there is an increase in violent, robber and

even murder crimes among young people. As many scientists have claimed that,the main reason for this is

that, nowadays, youth are growing with lack of pay attention by their parents but also teachers. Moreover,

children are not getting social and emotional knowledge at their schools.

Second of all, action movies with murder, robber are being popular amongst youth. It is clearly seen that,

these sort of movies lead to an increase crime among teenagers as they try to copy what they have seen in

the movies. Futhermore, films have an important influence on young people who are influenced both by what

they watch and hear.

Third of all, nowadays, no one does amaze, when read on newspapers and watch on the television about in

most societies over the planet the number of crime is rising unexpectedly. In fact that, youth are breaking

laws especially rights of people with way of violence.

From my point of view, the best way to control as well as reduce the number of crime is replace severe

punishments than panleties are such as, financial and and even being in prison. Moreover, lack of social and

emotional knowledge is one of the main factor to increase crime among youth due to the government should

more pay attention to both education and law systems.

 

Grammar Corrected Version:

There is no doubt that almost every good and bad field has developed significantly over the past few

decades (I don’t understand what you have just said here) and it is visible in the behaviour and

actions of young people. Many people have mentioned that in many cities around the globe rates of crime by

teenagers are increasing unexpectedly. The government as well as parents are trying to find solutions for this

international problem. Many people believe that wisely chosen punishment is the best way to control the

number of crimes in society, while some believe that this is not the only way to reduce the level of crime. They

think that, there must be another way.

(Your introduction is too long)

First of all, no one can deny that according to recent figures there has been an increase in violence, theft and

even murders among young people.  Many scientists have claimed the main reason for this is that nowadays,

youth are growing without paying attention to their parents and also teachers. Moreover, children are not

getting social and emotional knowledge at their schools.

Secondly, action movies with murders and robberies are popular amongst youth. It can be clearly seen that

these sorts of movies lead to an increase in crime among teenagers as they try to copy what they have seen

in the movies.  Furthermore, films have an important influence on young people who are influenced both by

what they watch and hear.

Thirdly, nowadays, no one is amazed when reading in newspapers and watching on the television that in most

societies over in the world the number of crimes is rising unexpectedly. In fact, the youth are breaking laws,

especially regarding the rights of people by using violence. (this paragraph does not answer the

question in any way so it should not be here).

From my point of view, the best way to control as well as reduce the number of crimes is to replace weak

sentences with severe punishments such as going to prison. Moreover, lack of social and emotional knowledge

is one of the main factors to increase crime among youth so the government should more pay attention to

both education and law systems.

(Where is the conclusion?)

 

FURTHER COMMENTS

On a positive note, you do have some good ideas and content that are answering the

question, and at various points you have some good grammar and phrasing.  

But at the same time, your grammar control is weak in a lot of places, as is your structure,

and you don’t write enough about the solutions. 

More details are below.

Content / Organization

Firstly, your introduction is much too long.  Keep this shorter – see this lesson on writing an introduction:

Also, you do not appear to have a conclusion?

You also need to have more about the solutions.  This essay will probably be seen as not fully answering the

question as there is so little on the solutions.  You would have been better taking out the forth paragraph and

writing about solutions here instead as this paragraph does not answer the question.

Grammar


“They think that, there must be another way” = don’t use a comma after ‘that’.

You make this mistake many times.

“recent figures there is an increase in violent” = should be ‘there has been…’.

Use present perfect for something that started in the past and is still going on

now.

Second of all / Third of all = you can’t say this, only ‘first of all’ is possible.

Coherence

You have some quite big problems with coherence because you have some sentences that I

cannot understand.  For example:

“replace severe punishments than panleties are  such as, financial and and even being in prison”

 

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