نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Dependence on Computers

نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Dependence on Computers
استاد حامد رفیعی دکتری ادبیات انگلیسی و نویسنده کتاب رایتینگ آیلتس

اشاره:

در این نمونه رایتینگ داوطلب غلط های بسیار زیادی را به اشتباه نوشته است و به همین دلیل نمره زیادی از وی کثر خواهد شد. در ادامه سعی کرده ایم با نگارش آن به شما نکات مهم را آموزش داده تا در آزمون آیلتس مرتکب این اشتباهات نشوید.

School children are becoming far too dependent on computers. This is having an alarming

effect on reading and writing skills. Teachers need to avoid using computers in the classroom

at all costs and go back to teaching basic study skills.

Do you agree or disagree?

There is no doubt that almost every field has developed significantly over the past few decades and it is

visiable in the field of education. At present time, modern technology has became in our system of study. In

many countries students can use computers in their classrooms and they have no to copy notes by hand in

the blackboard, because the teacher gives them a photocopy. As a result, both teachers and students are

losing their ability to think by themselves.

First of all, many young students are using computers in their classroom at the same time they are becoming

little lazy and and their ability such as, mathematical. Because, students easily can calculate mathematical

questions.

On the other hand, before thinking about drawbacks of the computers people should more pay attention to

advantages of computer for people. Computer have disadvantages as well as more benefits. One of the main

good point is students can acces to the internet than other communication systems.

Secondly, no one can deny that internet has opened students way of learning a new world. It is clearly seen

that students have to wait for a book that alredy been booked by other students. In fact, students can be

used easily to the internet to find more information and also for research .

Thirdly, as many people have claimed that, how effects of computer good or bad it depends to how people

use computers beneficial or futile. For instance, computers can be used to rob banks with way of hacking or

can be used to make people’s life quite faster, easier and also more comfortable.

From my point of view, as it has written above that teachers should avoid using computers in the classroom at

the same time they should have more social and emotional knowledge.

Corrected Version:

There is no doubt that almost every field has developed significantly over the past few decades and it

is visiable visible in the field of education. At the present time, modern technology has became exists in

our system of study. In many countries students can use computers in their classrooms and they do

not have no to copy notes by hand in from the blackboard because the teacher gives them a photocopy. As

a result, both teachers and students are losing their ability to think by themselves.

First of all, many young students are using computers in their classroom and at the same time they are

becoming little lazy. For example, their ability to do well in subjects such as maths is declining because they

can easily calculate maths on a computer.(I’m just guessing what you mean here – your ideas in this

paragraph are very unclear).

On the other hand, before thinking about the drawbacks of the computers people should more pay attention

to their advantages of computer for people. Computers have disadvantages as well as more benefits.(I’ve

deleted this as you are repeating yourself). One of the main good point benefits is students can

acces to the internet (than other communication systems – I don’t understand how this fits here)

Secondly, no one can deny that the internet has opened students way of learning to a new world. It is

clearly seen that students do not have to wait for a book that has already been booked by other students.

In fact, students can be used easily to use the internet to find more information and also for do research .

Thirdly, as many people have claimed that, how effects of computer good or bad it depends to how people

use computers beneficial or futile.(I can’t really correct this as I’m not sure what you mean – the

grammar errors make it very confusing) For instance, computers can be used to rob banks with way

of by hacking or can be used to make people’s life quite faster, easier and also more comfortable.(the

question is about education so you are going off topic if you talk about robbing banks and

hacking)

From my point of view, as it has written stated above, that teachers should avoid using computers in the

classroom and at the same time they should have more social and emotional knowledge.(don’t put new

ideas in a conclusion – you have not mentioned this ‘social and emotional knowledge’ before)

Your writing is also very mixed – you have some parts that are ok, but at times your writing is

very confusing. You would benefit from some teaching with regards to improving your writing

which you can’t really gain from the internet.

For example, you have some very confusing sentences where it is not clear what you mean:


Thirdly, as many people have claimed that, how effects of computer good or bad it depends to how people use computers beneficial or futile.

One of the main good point is students can acces to the internet  than other communication systems. 


Things like that will really affect your band score.

At the present time = we use present simple with this so you can’t say “has beome”

“Because, students easily can calculate mathematical questions”.= don’t do this as it is a “fragment” i.e. not a complete sentence. ‘because’ joins clauses. I will do a lesson on this but do a search on the internet on this if you wan’t to find out more.

 


 

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