نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Relocating Industries and Business to Regional Areas

نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Relocating Industries and Business to Regional Areas
استاد حامد رفیعی دکتری ادبیات انگلیسی و نویسنده کتاب رایتینگ آیلتس

اشاره:

در این نمونه رایتینگ غلط های بسیار زیادی را داوطلب به کار برده و طبیعتا نمره پایینی نیز خواهد گرفت. سعی کرده ایم با حذف کردن این غلط ها و نوشتن پاسخ درست آن نحوه نگارش یک رایتینگ خوب را در آزمون آیلتس به شما آموزش دهیم.

In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move to

regional areas outside the big cities.

Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

It is true that some nations encourage companies to transfer from urban to local areas by the government.

Although there are some drawbacks, I would argue that there are more benefits.

However, on the other hand the negative side of this development can not be overlooked and we should give

enough thought as well. Indeed relocating industries will have some positive impact but industries will have to

cope with a number of various factors in less developed areas such as security, lack of transportation,

appropriate infrastructure to setup an industry and scarcity of communication channel. As a result companies

and government would have to spend a good amount of money to setup these means even before starting

the business and this is what most companies would not come to terms with. Besides this connectivity and

client visit will also not be a piece of cake and can cause enough problems

On the other hand, there are more advantages of moving the industries and businesses outside of primary

cities. Firstly, industrial plants always produce emissions, which do harm to individuals’ physical health. We can

see that some research institutes have proved that those live close to the industrial zone within ten kilometers

have a much higher risk of getting cancers. Secondly, workshop building takes up vast areas of land while its

land use efficiency is extremely lower. Meanwhile, each square in the big cities are as precious as gold. Thus,

it is economic for factories to set up new workshops in the remote area. It also benefits consumers due to the

decline of production cost. Lastly, labor market in the regional areas will boost. More job opportunities will be

given to the poor live in the rural thereby improving their living standards.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the benefits of relocating huge industrial companies in regional zones such

as more available job opportunities, reduce labor costs and locations to businesses, and minimizes pollution in

the atmosphere do outweigh the disadvantages.

 

Corrected Version:

It is true that some nations governments encourage companies to transfer from urban

to local outlying areas by the government (you were repeating yourself here). Although there are

some drawbacks, I would argue that there are more benefits.

However, on the other hand (You can’t use ‘however’ or ‘on the other hand’ here – these are to

compare with something you have have mentioned already but you haven’t mentioned

anything before this!) The negative side of this development can not be overlooked and we should give

enough thought as well (not clear what point you are making here). Indeed relocating industries will

have some positive impacts but industries will have to cope with a number of various factors problems in

less developed areas such as security, lack of transportation, inappropriate infrastructure to set

up an industry and a scarcity of communication channel systems. As a result, companies

and the government would have to spend a good substantial amount of money to set up

these means facilities even before starting the business and this is what most companies would not come to

terms with. Besides this, connectivity and client visits will also not be a piece of cake (don’t use

idioms) easy and can could cause enough several problems(This last sentence needs more

explanation – what is ‘connectivity’?).

You have coherency problems in this paragraph – the beginning is confusing because it is not

clear whether you are talking about ‘advantages’ or disadvatages’. In the first half you switch

between both – where I have underlined.

You need a clear simple topic sentence to explain which of these you are about to discuss.

On the other hand, there are more advantages of moving the industries and businesses outside of primary

cities. Firstly, industrial plants always produce emissions, which do harm to individuals’ physical health. We can

see that some research institutes have proved that those living close to the industrial zones within ten

kilometers (you can’t say this and ‘close’, only one or the other) have a much higher risk of getting

cancers. Secondly, workshop buildings take up vast areas of land while its land use efficiency is extremely

lower (I don’t know what you mean – you need to explain this or re-word it). Meanwhile, each

squaremeter of land in the big cities are is as precious as gold. Thus, it is economic for factories to set up

new workshops in the remote areas. It also benefits consumers due to the decline of production costs.

Lastly, labor markets in the regional areas will be boosted. More job opportunities will be given to the poor

living in the rural areasthereby improving their living standards.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the benefits of relocating huge industrial companies in to regional

zones such as are more available job opportunities, reduced labor costs and locations to businesses, and

less minimizes pollution in the atmosphere do outweigh the disadvantages.

 

FURTHER COMMENTS

You have the potential to write a very good answer as you have some good grammar and good ideas.

But you need to work on the errors I have mentioned above.

Topic Sentences

The topic sentences of each paragraph need to be very clear at the beginning. There is a problem with

this in your first paragraph.

This would have been better with one sentence identifying that you are going to discuss the disadvantages of

relocating to rural areas – like the topic sentence in your second body – this is fine and clear.

Clarity of Ideas

And occasionally it is not clear what you are trying to say – this may be a problem with the vocabulary you are

trying to use.

Always make sure you fully explain ideas as you cannot assume someone reading it will know what you are

talking about.

This may mean fewer ideas – but is is always better to have fewer ideas that are fully explained than

lots of ideas that are not explained properly.

 

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