نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Global Environmental Damage

نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد Global Environmental Damage
استاد حامد رفیعی دکتری ادبیات انگلیسی و نویسنده کتاب رایتینگ آیلتس

اشاره:

در این رایتینگ یکسری نکات مهم توسط داوطلب رعایت نشده و به همین دلیل نمره زیادی را از دست داده است. سعی کرده ایم با برطرف کردن این مشکلات و اشتباهات نکات مهم را در اینگونه رایتینگ ها به شما آموزش دهیم.

Reducing global environmental damage should be handled by governments rather than individuals.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The damage to the environment is increasing at an alarming rate mainly due to human activities. Even though

a great deal of effort is being now made by governments all over the world, individuals also have a major role

to play in the minimizing global environmental hazard.

To begin with, one of the major reasons for the pollution of the environment is the uncontrolled use of

automobiles. If individuals can make a conscious effort to change their lifestyle, by cutting down the use of

private cars and use public transport, it would substantially reduce the burning of fossil fuels. In other words,

serious attempt could be made by individuals to travel to work regularly by buses and trains, which are cheap

and abundant. Hence, Individual perceptive towards using these transports could help in the reduction of

emissions produced by vehicles, and there by playing a vital role in addressing this issue.

In addition to this, individual could play a significant role towards safety our environment by not using

enormous amount of plastic in daily life, which is a hazardous pollutant of the soil. In other words, almost

every consumer use plastics while doing shopping, and there is always use and throw culture. Instead of

using this, Individuals efforts could be taken into account opting for eco friendly substitutes. For example,

people can use paper and cloth bags instead of plastic in supermarkets. So, use of plastics on the

environment is devastating, and must find alternatives to plastic from the individual perceptive.

In conclusion, it seems to me that environmental problem is the worrying concern and individuals have a

crucial role in joining hands with the government in reducing the harm caused to the environment. Lack of

individual participation could mean that addressing environmental issue is beyond reach.

 

Corrected Version:

The damage to the environment is increasing at an alarming rate mainly due to human activities. Even though

a great deal of effort is being now now being made by governments all over the world, individuals also have

a major role to play in the minimizing global environmental hazards.

To begin with, one of the major reasons for the pollution of the environment is the uncontrolled use of

automobiles. If individuals can make a conscious effort to change their lifestyle, by cutting down the use of

private cars and using public transport, it would substantially reduce the burning of fossil fuels. In other

words, serious attemptcould be made by individuals to travel to work regularly by buses and trains, which

are cheap and abundant. Hence, individual perceptions towards using these types of transport could help

in the reduction of emissions produced by vehicles, and thereby play a vital role in addressing this issue. 

(I think you spend too much of this paragraph explaining this one point – for example, this last point in italics is really just saying what you have already said. It is good to fully explain things as you have done, but don’t overdo it).

In addition to this, individuals could play a significant role towards safety our environment making our

environment safer by not using enormous amounts of plastic in daily life, which is a hazardous pollutant of

the soil. In other words, For example, almost every consumer uses plastics while doing shopping, and there

is always ‘use and throw away’ culture. Instead of using doing this, individuals efforts could be taken into

account opting (not sure what you mean here) could opt for eco friendly substitutes For example,

people can use (grammar ok here but ‘for example’ twice would look odd) such as using paper

and cloth bags instead of plastic in supermarkets. So, use of plastics on the environment is devastating, and

people must find alternatives to plastic from the individual perceptive  (again, not sure what you mean

here).

(With this bit in italics you are again repeating what you have already said)

In conclusion, it seems to me that environmental problems are a is the worrying concern and individuals have

a crucial role in joining hands with the government in reducing the harm caused to the environment. Lack of

individual participation could mean that addressing environmental issue is beyond reach.

 

  FURTHER COMMENTS

It is a good answer as you address the question (*though not fully – see updated comments below for

December), you have some good use of vocabulary and grammar, and you explain things.

But as I said above, don’t go over each point too much. You could have probably included one more idea to

support your argument rather than going over each point too much. This would have made your argument

stronger.

Vocabulary

In other words = careful how you use this. It is used to repeat the same thing that has just been said but

in different words. In the second case you are not repeating the same thing but giving more detail, or an

example.

individual perceptions = I am not sure what you mean when you say this. What you say in your essay

doesn’t seem to be anything to do with people’s ‘perceptions’, it is their ‘actions’.

Parallelism

…by cutting down the use of private cars and use public transport…

…could help in the reduction of emissions produced by vehicles, and there by playing…

 

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