نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد International Pollution Issues

نمونه رایتینگ تصحیح شده بخش دوم آکادمیک در مورد International Pollution Issues
استاد حامد رفیعی دکتری ادبیات انگلیسی و نویسنده کتاب رایتینگ آیلتس

اشاره:

این نمونه رایتینگ دارای غلط های بسیار زیادی می باشد که نمره وی را تا حد زیادی کاهش داده است. در انتهای این بخش به تصحیح این غلط های گرامری و واژه ای پرداخته ایم.

Facing many international pollution issues such as the energy shortage and global warming, some people believe that individuals have limited abilities to deal with that issue, compared with the nations and society.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

With rapidly economic development, an increasing number of international pollution has aroused people to pay

more attention to environment protection. People excessively exploit the natural resources due to the big gap

between economic development demand and natural source supply. I am amazed when I heared some people

saying that individuals have no contribution to cope with international pollution. As for me, nothing is further

from the truth than this view.

In the first place, everyone can help to reduce pollution and do their bit for the environment. In other words,

if every individual has the sense of environment protection, we can make a great contribution to environment

protection and pollution control. For example, turning lights off when you’re not in the room can save a lot of

energy. Leaving televisions, stereos and computers on standby with the little red light, even though they

might look like turned off. Don’t look down on these actions.

In the secondly place, environment protection needs everyone attention. Green environment is the system

which is run by two important links- government and citizen. Government is taking major steps in environment

protection, such as introducing strict emission norms, penalty for industries which would cross emission limits,

strict automotive regulation. But all these efforts would fail if we don’t cooperate with government. If one link

is active but the other link is inactive then the whole system cannot run properly. Both have to work together

for efficient system.

Above all, a conclusion can be made that everyone should take responsibility for environment protection.

Thus, I am firmly convinced that we are an important part of the link. If you understand this you can act as

cardinal link.

Sarzaminezaban Feedback

Corrected Version:

With rapidly rapid economic development, an increasing number amount of pollution that has international impacts has aroused motivated people to pay more attention to environmental protection. People excessively exploit the natural resources due to the big gap between economic development demand and natural source supply. I am amazed when I heared (this is too informal) Some people saying that individuals have no contribution to make to cope with international pollution. As for me, In my opinion, nothing is further from the truth than this view.

In the first place, everyone can help to reduce pollution and do their bit for the environment. In other words, if every individual has the sense of environmental protection, we can make a great contribution to environment protection (don’t repeat nouns like thisprotecting it and controlling pollution (this has been changed to make it a gerund and therefore parallel with ‘protecting it’) control. For example, turning lights off when you’re you are (don’t abbreviate)not in the room can save a lot of energy. Not leaving televisions, stereos and computers on standby with the little red light, even though they might look like they are turned off. Don’t look down on these actions. (this last phrase is too informal).

(There is not really much support in this paragraph – just the bit about ‘lights’ and ‘leaving things on standby’. You waste too much time at the beginning with those first two sentences which are saying more or less the same thing).

In the Secondly place, environmental protection needs everyoneattention. A green environment is the system which is run made possible by two important links- governments and citizens. Governments are taking major steps in environmental protection, such as introducing strict emission norms, penalties for industries which would cross emission limits, and strict automotive regulation. But all these efforts would will fail if we don’t cooperate with governments. If one link is active but the other link is inactive then the whole system cannot run properly. Both have to work together for an efficient system.

(This paragraph would be better if you could be more specific about what individuals can do to make sure they cooperate together).

Above all, a conclusion can be made It can be concluded that everyone should take responsibility for environmental protection. Thus, I am firmly convinced that we are an important part of the link. If you understand this you can act as a cardinal link (not sure what you are saying here?).

 

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